...and the winds blew and blew

When I was a young woman and lived in rural southwestern Wisconsin in the driftless land, we lived in a holllow in the valley.  We had friends who were ridge runners -- but I liked being nestled in under the bluffs - well mostly.   When I was on the ridges I loved the big sky,  the expansiveness, the being in the open.   I don't live in the valley anymore.  In town I am protected by trees, houses and other buildings, but a few blocks from my house I am in the wide open spaces and boy was it blowing today.

I drove into Millinocket this morning to get my taxes done.  They are done, filed and someday I will have a refund in my bank.  Well done.   The wind was whipping along the highway as I drove back home in the bright sun.  The sky was blue and every once in awhile the snow was just whirling and whirling around,  there were places on the road where the snow was starting to pile up.  On the final stretch to Patten from the highway there were places where it was almost a white out.  My little car held the road, and I was glad to be home and even happier when my meeting for tonight was cancelled.  

Besides being amazingly beautiful along with being incredibly blustery today was the 20th Anniversary of Steve's death.  Steve was my one and only husband,  the father of Sasha, an incredibly kind man of many many talents who died way to young from pancreatic cancer. 

For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling the heaviness of this loss.  He has two grandchildren that are now young adults who have lived a lifetime without their grandfather.  It is that absence for them that seems to grieve me most today.   I imagine that Steve is well into the next realm of whatever it is,  I hope it is filled with love, appreciation and joy he deserves that and so much more.   So this afternoon I took out my special crystal scotch drinking glass and brought out the best bottle of single malt scotch.  I called my friend Marcia (her husband Paul who has also died of pancreatic cancer was Steve's best friend).  Marcia got out her bottle of scotch poured a drink and her and I toasted to Steve, toasted to Paul, and allowed ourselves to be comforted in our oh so very long friendship.  

The winds blow,  the sun shines and sets,  and I am grateful to have a heart the can carry the memories and feel the pain, it is a big loving heart I have tonight.