One week ago I was eating black eye peas, I was wondering on what day, at what point would I find the date, the event that would allow me a great exhale.
Joe Biden had won the election and most republicans and the president were stoking conspiracy theories and racism, white supremacy. Many holding on for dear life to the ever horrid components of a long long out lived (never should have been lived) patriarchy.
On Tuesday, Georgia was electing two senators through a run-off election (the birthing of this run off structure only meant to suppress and to deny the vote of people of color in the state) I was hopeful, but couldn't find the strength to actually imagine that both democrats could win.
On Wednesday, Congress was accepting the certified votes of the electoral college for all 50 States. The President and a majority of Republicans continued to support the conspiracy theory with absolutely NO BASIS that the election was rigged.
I have for weeks actually more like months been silent. I could not figure out how to share my heart, my dailiness and my thoughts. Some of them have been very very dark. I have had several days, several openings but still I could not blog.
I blog as a way to share and honor my experience. I cannot blog when I do not understand how to be authentic. I could not blog when it is not something that has touched my heart. My heart has been protected, guarded, sheltered. But the actions of the last few days has broken it open.
A MOB STORMED THE CAPITOL AND ATTEMPTED TO STOP THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER.
I have known that this was the absolute and only way that the trump administration would end, he has from before day one, signaled this path. He spent 4 years only serving his "base". Of course this has been the best business deal that he has ever done....and unfortunately lots of people are taking their precious dollars and sending it to him - that is all he cares about. but....
I could go on for pages and pages, days and days....but what has brought me to blog again is this: I love my country.
I turned 18 in 1968 - I lived outside of Chicago, and my friends were beaten in Chicago during the Democratic Convention. I had to sort out for myself where was truth, what did my government tell me vs. what I heard elsewhere....I decided that my country was lying....
Somehow this realization made me feel that I was outside of our government, our country.....It was not until 1987 during my organizing work for the GLBTQ March on Washington, when sitting in an office in the capitol building talking about our struggles that I felt "inoculated" as a US citizen. I knew that this country was my country. All of the foibles, the weaknesses, the yet to be realized....this was democracy, this was what made this country so powerful.
I felt in the bosom as so many who were not the "white privileged" , I remember and am feeling the moment when I totally embraced "this is my country". I understood what was happening to me in that very moment. Somehow I had moved from "I don't trust my government" to recognizing that my experience was the hallmark of democracy that this is my country and I was a vital part of it, this is democracy, we the people.
We have all watched a group of trump supporters and conspiracy minions easily storm the US Capitol. They brought zip-cords, bombs, guns...they were ready to take over the capitol...to follow the direction of the president who they thought had a plan to assure he would stay in power of the USA.
My heart is broken, this feeling has over ridden any outrage, any fear, any sureness. I am reliving the moment when I realized that this was my country. I truly felt the amazing reality of living in this messy, unrealized, democracy. I have been thinking about how my deep connection with my country has not been about waving a flag, or marching on a special day, but rather my understanding as I stood in the capitol of the United States that this was MY capitol, WE THE PEOPLE, and I was a "people". That this is not about what we fought for another country (no matter how important that was) but was about our own country. That democracy was not something we were awarded but was something that we needed to protect to participate in, be a part of....we the people.....
The horror of what we witnessed, a siege on the capitol of the United States remains in my heart and mind. I feel violated. There is so much that is wrong....the difference in how the white supremacists were treated vs. Black Lives Matter is heartbreaking, a reflection of the unfinished business yet to be done of forming a more perfect union.
I woke up this morning remembering a wonderfully heart opening/breaking song by Sara Thomsen---I think that it was about a relationship heartbreak, but today I felt this song for my relationship with my country....
It has been a long time since I typed words on my blog....I leave you with this wonderful song from Sara - What do I do the morning after my heart breaks....my heart breaks for our country. I do believe that democracy will prevail, we the people ---not conspiracy theorists and trump lovers and domestic terrorist-- are the strenght and vision of our country.
May this be the last blow of white supremacists and the patriarchy. Here is an antidote..What do you do the morning after your heart breaks...
Please listen, open your heart, feel the brokenness, it is the pathway to being open...
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