MaryAlice Musings and More

Well, here is something I know after my second day back into the world of work.  Naps are essential.  After 4-5 hrs.  it is more than time to head back home and rest.  Had a massage this afternoon, and she worked many knots from the back of my neck.  I am a little noodle and glad that energy is flowing.  It's a good time to notice my energy,  look forward, and say goodnight.  

Well, I did it,  I went off to work at 9:30 this a.m. and was back home shortly after 2:30 and was napping by 3:15.  The enthusiasm, smiles, welcoming that I received was absolutely heart warming.  People were expressing how quickly the month had flown by, means folks were not have days where there wasn't much to do!  The staff I work with have done such an great job while I have been gone, and folks are feeling good about the work they are doing and the ways that it helps to support people with disabilities in their day to day lives.  What a wonderful thing to be so proud of the folks that you work with.  The care that I have felt is the same stuff they have for their colleagues and for the people of Minnesota.  Great Job PTE-DMIE-DLL --- you all know who you are!  People helped me to get out the door, I have a very good meeting with my Director at the end of my time, and as we were ending it was clear that the energy plug had been pulled and I was deflating quickly.  This means b...

I woke up this morning and it was still dark, and I laid in bed, thinking about my yesterday and noticing how my body felt, and then being a Type 6 in the Enneagram World - I found myself worrying about why I was waking up in the middle of the night.  I took a few breaths and decided to turn over and look at the clock.  It was 6 a.m.  -- amazing!  I was not reverting back to waking up numerous times in the night - I was awake because my body was ready to be awake!  So what does rested mean?  I got out the dictionary this morning to check it out. (adj) rested: not tired; refreshed as by sleeping or relaxing I am rested, and am beginning to have body memory of what refreshed means.  What a metaphor, as this part of world moves toward the dark, and a time of slumber and rest.  I am learning how to be rested  The mist and fog of the morning gently welcoming me into another day.

Today the garage roof was completed.  Those guys walked up and down the ladder and on the roof with such nimbleness, it was as if they were floating just above it all, and they swept the inside of the garage which had all the little brittle pieces of my very old old roof.  So now I am matched, and let's hope that Bob the painter arrives on Monday, and that my garage will be not only looking great, but ready for winter, and NO leaks inside!   I picked up Myah early this afternoon for an overnight stay, it was Luke's turn and he was ready to come, but his Mom was going to be at work all afternoon and evening, and he was ready for some Dad bonding time, so Myah says please could she come,  win win for me, for her, and for Luke.  When she got in the car I asked what did she think Luke and Dad would be doing today, and she said, " Oh, I think they are going to sit around in their underwear and watch TV tonight."  Clearly a guy thing!   And what do the gals do?  Myah tried ...

I have been exploring other blogs, as it has been several weeks for me - and outside of some white light pain days, I have managed to let something move through me, out my fingers, onto the keyboard and here it is!   Mark Siegel's blog is a great read,  The 19th Floor (I don't know how to hyperlink yet - so just google away!)  The 37 days,  a blog by Patti Digh--she just wrote a book about her blog called life is a verb.  Both these bloggers have a wry and wonderful sense of humor -- which I am hoping to improve upon for myself.   It is amazing that we have this whole way in which we communicate out there, and who knows who is reading this, its like pebbles in the water --- wonder what effect the ripples will have. I watched "the debate" with my friend Jane --- Obama's civility, his understanding of judgement, and his sense of how to be strategic, not forgetting what we are attempting to impact -- all pluses for me.  I am sure there will be much more said -- and n...

I am going to start back to work part time next week.  See how it goes.  I am very aware that I am still healing in so many ways, and my energy is still erratic - so I am so appreciative and have such gratitude that I am able to take the time I need to recover and recuperate.  I have been thinking a lot about the women who have to go back to work way before they are ready, and they come home exhausted and have to do all the things necessary for their households.  That I have insurance and sick leave --- it is quite an indictment of our country that I have feel "lucky" to have these fundamental supports.   In the midst of the political stirrings and realities there is something deeper more attached to my heart that is present as I heal.  I have so appreciated my backyard patio, and while sitting in the sun, I noticed my neighborhood cardinal in a bush along the lot line.  He is so brilliant red, and the leaves are so very green. It took a moment for me to recognize what I was ...

I am sure glad that I am in such good shape.  The twists and turns of the political races could lead to whiplash - which is bad for my throat and nose!   It sure seems like when the winds blow Obama's way - there is no end to what those folks in power will do.  I want to hear the debates, I think that this is the way that we can step back from the orchestrated, bought, manipulated and controlled commercials, ads, and more.  Why wouldn't the presidential candidates want to be presidential and stand up in front of the nation and let us know their truth.   Thankfully, Obama not only says that there should be the debate, he acknowledges that who could be most effective are their economic staff.  I don't think anyone had invited John McCain to stop the "no talk" bus and rush back to Washington, where for the first time in 22 years John would have to listen and learn about regulatory power.   Then there is the subtext that people keep poking their finger in and not real...

My world is broadening,  my tasks and focus have moved beyond those essential to recuperation and recovery.  My pain is gone, there is a tightness, and odd feelings in my throat, but mostly the pain is gone.  If it comes I take tylenol.  I can eat without pain.  And of course it is all so new or I would not keep going on and on about the difference.   So I am turning to a few other things, getting people in to do some needed work on my house, going through piles of mail that has been unattended, and a few dips back into my work.   I still feel mostly like a rag doll,  I am trying to walk more, to build my energy back up, I am aware how fortunate I am to be able to take the time to let my body on its own time regenerate and grow ready to step back into the challenges, stresses, successes, and pride in the work that I do.  Just being with lots of people everyday creates and takes energy - so I sleep well at night, and need to just be quiet and rest on and off -- its a balance.  Just like...

I have loved the weather this week, and glad that each day the sun just shone.  It helped me to heal, to be quiet, to enjoy and soak up the best of each day.  I am being able to eat-wow.  I marvel at how wonderfully my body is healing itself.  Yeah rah.

I woke up early this morning.  I felt refreshed.  I have for months been thinking and at times talking about what would it feel like waking up and feeling "refreshed".  This morning it was waking and feeling awake, clear, noticing finely.  It was still dark, and it was quiet and so clear as I looked out east into my backyard.  The noises were all small and in the background.  Everything was taking a deep deep morning breath.    I spent some time just doing that noticing my breathing --- I think I have mentioned that I have not used my albuterol since the surgery - amazing I am taking my long acting flovent every other day or so just to make sure no asthma wheezing!  I knew instinctively that my oxygen levels dropping so low every night was just not good....and this is a very real way that I can tell that much is better by having this surgery.   The best, raspberries for breakfast, and I could eat them.  It was not totally painful or burning.  And they were great.  Enjoy the d...

It takes a lot of energy to heal.  Today my energy was low, and I spent much time on my patio in my comfortable chair in the sun.  This afternoon I went to rest at a friends for awhile as they were sawing a jumbo tree next door - it has had its orange circle on it for weeks, and parks & rec came today and started the process, it was interesting to watch for a little while --- but it is another LOUD activity - they are coming back on Monday!  I am perched for the evening, the sweater I am knitting, has a back, right side, 1/2 left side!  Soon onto sleeves and a wonderful feeling and beautiful color sweater.   I have had to go into protect mode about the election --- I just saw an ad that McCain will air that plays so blatently in race and fear and of course it is all Obama's fault and I just can't imagine how horrible this will be lies, fear, bigotry, playing to the most lowly part of our humanness ---- and then here I am at home healing, and it is like watching a bad fictio...

Today I woke up to a noise that has been absent for over a year - the cars travelling on 35W going south ---going north, it is constant and in the background, and its absence was deafening after the bridge crashed down last August.  I rode on it later in the day when I had to go to an appointment.  It seemed appropriate as I am very aware of all the layers of healing that happen when one has surgery, and what this bridge signifies in what it has "cured" and what yet has to heal.   Tomorrow is two weeks, and I am glad to be so clear that this surgery is successful and that I was able to say yes to the plan that my Doctors felt would be best for me.  I have been in the middle of noticing all that comes up as a result of this surgery and my desire to be more well.  And with Elizabeth today I was reminded of a Mary Oliver poem, and I would like to share it with you. The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, Thought the voices around you kept shouting the...

This morning I had White Peony Tea, and the pot stayed warm from my Tea Cosey, it is the first time that I have used it for its official purpose.  I laugh at it, it does deserve the title, " Mad Hatter's Tea cosey".  I did a few house things today, I am still focusing on attending to things that need to be done for my house at the same time I am focusing on how to attend to myself.  Peter came to mow the lawn - he has a VERY loud mower.  I talked more today than I have, and with much less pain and discomfort.  Still very conscious of how much energy I gain or it taken away in what I am doing. Unfortunately, when I went to take a rest this afternoon the "will it ever get built stairs next door" workers started in with lots of pounding, loud noises, nail guns, and this has been going on for more than 4 weeks (lots of stretches where nothing is happening).  I checked it out at the end of the day and it is still not done.  They sure talk a lot to each other in betwe...

Today I felt like I might come back to human race.  I did a few things that people do at home:  laundry, sitting in the sun on my back terrace, and made arrangements to get my garage painted!  I also took supplements, swallowing those pills even the multi-vit green which is biggggggg!  Keep those well wishes coming - I'm soaking them up!

The sky is the most amazing lavender  color as I type just after sunset - it is happening way too soon, the sun is no longer just beating on us in the highest parts of the sky, but is dipping lower.  It makes for amazing light at this time year, and I am still mourning that summer has past, and looking forward to the warmth that we are supposed to have here in Minneapolis for the rest of the week.   Today was better, this morning Katy and Cathy came by for a little while, we checked in about work, and they picked up my latest prescription.  I had a good nap, the pain was much less, and Thank You Brian for inspiring me to pick up my  needles.   I listened to my Spiral healing tape -- helped me to bring myself back to myself --- it is easy to want to shut down, when yourself feels pain and you forget to breathe through your feet and trust that all is well --- and then there is the light.  The beautiful clear light of fall and sunshine and less pain. and Curt comes to the house with brocc...

Today was better not great but an appreciable  better day than yesterday.  The pain is so prevalent, and I have to really work to get food and drink down.  Not to complicates this situation.  So I drank more and ate.  I am thinking about a really good vanilla milkshake on the thin cold side.  I think cold will help will all the things that are happening in my mouth and throat.   Nursing advice is call the Dr. tomorrow a.m. and I am going to first thing.  I had an amazing dream,  there were powerful stones for healing, and the examination of ribs, and folks from the past who would never be together, and best of all it happened, I remembered, and a sign that I am having REM sleep, this has not been the case for a very long time.  Signs that this recovery is worth it.  Last week at this time I was in the hospital and even though I am not eating, skipping, dancing - it is not last Sunday.  Let's hope healing just keeps on happening - even with its ups and downs.

Pain, rain and sleep.  I have been able to control the pain with Chinese Herbs, and that helps because after this many days of oxycotin, lots of down sides to relief of pain.  I have slept on & off --- tried to boil some vegetables and burnt the bottom of the pan and vegetables badly.  Have put the pan outside, but now the house is working hard to air out.  I am looking forward to comic relief with SNL.  Calling forth all my healing messengers....thanks for answering.

This morning I felt the best I have felt when waking up since the surgery.  I also slept for 7 hrs.  WOW - I don't remember the last time that I did that.  It was great when the sun popped out this a.m. Cindy is here today,  we took an outing to patina to check out the sale, and then went to Urban Harvest - I had sips of beef barley mushroom soup and a chai latte.  The chai was the most soothing thing I have had so far.   It was at this time last Friday that I was being wheeled into my room post surgery - I am definitely better today.  Inch by inch, row by row, this is how my healing goes.......

Nose is great-perfect!  Throat looks just like it should, Dr. was apologetic about inflicting such pain.  He is feeling good, and next time I see him is October 2 (three weeks from now).  Going slow slow slow and need to be careful not to overdo.  Drinking, swallowing, sleeping, taking meds, getting stronger, and continuing to heal.  Laughter is good.  Good having folks sit with me, or be in the other room when I sleep-having a little connection of care.  This is one day, one hour, one breath at a time.

I never told you what it means.  Mechanical soft food diet is one that YOU can chew --- not mechanical chewing or getting smooth like I thought.  I am having scrambled eggs this a.m. and I am chewing nothing mechanical.  Sasha also made my super food smoothie this a.m.  green protein, whey powder, yoghurt, aloe vera, probotic acidophyllus,  she made a very bad face, but I am sipping away.  The eggs are from Fina's chickens - wow yellow they are so fresh.   I would love a few more comments folks!  you just register and then you have to type in the letters you see from the box each time -- I think there is a help button....also sign on to the musers it is fun for me to see who is lurking out there --- I know you all have very fun and insightful things to say.  I know a blog is about the blogger blogging, but I am up for the readers commenting!  Have Fun.  

I am home.  It is amazing how clear it is knowing when one is ready to leave the hospital.  On Sunday when they said I was not going home, I leaned back on my stiff, plastic hospital pillow and sighed with relief.  Yesterday (Monday) I was asking what was it I exactly needed to do in order to be released from the hospital.  The Doc's had decided at 7:30 a.m. that I could go home, but the orders seemed to be lost until afternoon, when I finally convinced the nurse that I knew I would do better eating and drinking at home.  This was after they "advanced" my diet to "mechanical soft".  Do you know what mechanical soft means?  I thought it meant that they mechanically soften the food, in my mind I was thinking blender.  So imagine my surprise when they brought this tray and opened it up and there on the plate was rigatoni, green beans and mashed potatoes.  I had not chewed a thing since surgery and drank about 1/8 a cup of liquid (homemade vanilla flavored Ensure! d...

Not quite 48 hrs. since the surgery was complete ---- I am still in hospital and hope that I will come home on Monday -- three necessary things: 1. swallowing that is very hard and I have just had little successes - this a.m. I swallowed a pill almost marathon like...The ENT Dr. yesterday said Day 2 was the worse, this morning she told me day 3 the story is there is just alot of pain. 2. hydration I have to be able to swallow and chew it would not be good to dehydrate I don't know what the magic amount but I haven't hit it yet. Right now this consists of Kim's amazingly wonderful chicken brooth diluted to the right salinity and ensure - my daughter thinks I will appreciate losing a few more pounds. 3. pain management wheening off of morphine (no morphine suckers) and am now trying a pain med in pill form - more swallowing! I think I am going to need some good support upon return home, thank you all who are on the schedule for this week. Kate's acupuncture and cranial s...

Surgery was a very good success! I am going to be here 1 more day. Swallowing is almost impossible---keep sending healing thoughts! signing off - thank you all for your care and support - too bad you can't eat and swallow for me! Sun shining -- and I am getting better every hour (or so they tell me!)

It is really happening - tomorrow at this time I think all I will have to say is, "Ow".  I started out the day triggered with a fear that kicked into a worry cycle---did my breathing in noticing -and breathing out releasing --- and decided to just go get my laptop and see what folks were saying - I had an email from my friend Kate, she had attached an article: it was about how to move fear through your body, real easy practical tips.  So I read it, and realized how smart our bodies are about moving this stuff through and out - and I found myself focused less on fear and more on how good this choice is that I made for myself.   I had a great massage, got my vitamins/supplements and all the ingredients for my super power healing drink mix, asked Kim to make a meat broth.   What a gift to be able to ask for assistance and someone feels really good about giving it - I moved from fear that I was not ready, hadn't done enough preparation, to feeling like all is well - here I am...

Wisconsin was great, love those hills.  My friend Fina and I sat on the porch in the afternoon and painted and skipped through 3 decades of knowingness with each other - delicious.  The garden was abundant and we feasted on the healthiest and freshest veggies - literally snipping things from the garden and tossing into salad or steaming for our lunch, yummm. I could not help being swept up and into the political landscape even though I had tried to leave republican insanity behind --- impossible.   So I did a pretty good job of just walking away when it got to encompassing.   This morning I travelled through Viroqua (where Sasha was born) and up the WI River Road - the sky was brilliant blue and clear.  I travelled past so many places that I have noticed and appreciated over the years,  the roads, the water, the green of summer all like unwavering friends accompanying me back home.  And I was glad to be coming, and that is very good.   I got home early so went to the State Fairgrounds ...